


FFI.

by misschevalier



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: I'm the worst omg, Multi, Terminal Illnesses, it gets sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 22:42:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1758785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misschevalier/pseuds/misschevalier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the first time in what it felt like years, Ryan was falling asleep.</p><p>He smiled to himself and fell into Morpheus’ arms.</p>
            </blockquote>





	FFI.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on [Gummy's 信じてる video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNh6_bClx7k&feature=kp), that it made me so sad that made me write.

Ryan found himself unable to sleep.

He has been staring at the ceiling on his bedroom for, god, he doesn’t even know how long. He was having one of those nights, the ones where it didn’t matter how tired he is, he just can’t fall asleep, and Ryan knew that this wasn’t a normal night where insomnia hit him. He’s just wide awake, not even a few hours of sleep on his system.

Ryan lied there, looking at the ceiling.

He doesn’t remember when morning came or when the sun started hitting directly on the face, or even when the birds started singing outside his window. He knew he didn’t sleep not even a bit, nor for a few minutes and his body was already showing it to him: he felt heavy and tired, and he just didn’t want to move, he wanted to fall asleep. Ryan shook his head (because it’s already eight and he promised Jack he would be on his house to get breakfast all together) and he sat up on the edge of his bed. He rubs his face and sighs, before getting up and starting his morning.

Maybe tonight he would get some sleep.

+

Geoff noticed it first.

They all heard the door opening and closing, and the sound of the keys being left on a bowl in the entrance, and they knew it was Ryan. After all, there was only a chair left on the kitchen and it was his. “Good morning,” he greeted everyone and Geoff noticed it. The dark circles forming under his eyes, the tired look he was wearing and it didn’t matter how hard he smiled, he couldn’t hide the heaviness from his eyes.

Ryan was greeted by everyone with soft pecks but Geoff. Ryan looked at him in a worried way, as if he was asking _did I do something wrong?_

“You didn’t sleep last night,” he said, and it wasn’t a question, he just knew. Ryan sighed and sat down on the chair, Jack offering him a plate of pancakes, and he just tried to avoid the theme. “Ryan.”

“I couldn’t, okay?” He tried to say it on the softest voice he could, he didn’t mean to snap at him. “I just… I couldn’t,” and he lowers his eyes and starts playing with his food.

“What about we get a kip after eating?” Gavin’s cheerful voice echoed through the kitchen, the idea of going back to sleep was appealing to him. Ray and Michael nodded furiously at the thought, because they were complaining earlier about getting up so early on a Sunday morning. “Can we?”

Geoff nodded, muttering “yeah, buddy, of course” and giving Ryan a soft squeeze on his thigh. Ryan gave him a smile in return, holding Geoff’s hand before kissing it, and hearing Michael complaining about them being all lovely on the table. Geoff kicked Michael’s chair and he almost fell over, Jack’s hands stopping him. Ryan smiled when Ray and Gavin started laughing about it, Michael blushing and demanding them to _shut the fuck up._

Breakfast was good, and for Ryan, there was nothing better than being with them. It could sound cheesy as fuck, but they were the world for him. The laughs, the touches, the smiles, the feelings, everything was absolutely perfect with them (and yes, they could have their fights and discussions, but it’s a normal thing, and he only wants to remember the good things.)

“Aren’t you coming?” Ryan heard Michael’s voice calling him, fingers tangled with each other. They finished eating and Geoff started shushing everyone to Jack’s bedroom (whose bed was barely big enough for them, but they really didn’t care.) Michael pushed Ryan to the bed and it was very appealing seeing Jack and Gavin already curled up on it. He felt Ray climbing the bed and lying on top of him, giving him a quick kiss.

He just wanted to close his eyes and drift into an easy sleep.

But he didn’t. He could hear Jack’s and Michael’s faint snores and everyone else’s breathing, and he was there once again, looking at the ceiling unable to fall asleep. It was frustrating and he hated it, he hated it so much.

He misses getting sleep.

It wasn’t until a few hours later when Ryan felt Jack stirring on his side, Gavin moving with him but still asleep. “Hey,” Jack said to him in a very quiet voice, “did you sleep?” Ryan stayed in silence for a while, before shaking his head.

“No, I couldn’t but don’t worry. Maybe tonight,” he muttered, and Jack nodded and shot him a concerned look. A few minutes later, almost all of them were up, only Ray and Geoff still sleeping, curled next to each other when the other got up.

“Are you feeling better, Ry-bread?” Gavin asked, sitting next to Ryan on the couch, controller in hand and waiting for Michael to start a Halo match. Ryan had Jack’s laptop on his lap, searching through Kotaku’s front page.

Ryan turned his face and smiled to Gavin, seeing the boy’s concerned expression. “I’m fine, don’t worry,” and kissed his nose, making the younger boy smile.

He kept saying to everyone that he was fine, and technically, it wasn’t a lie because he was actually fine. It was just the lack of sleep that was getting on him. Maybe he just needed to take it easy, maybe that was it.

+

Ryan noticed he was getting worse.

Weeks passed and he found himself awake twenty four hours, just closing his eyes to blink and nothing more. He doesn’t remember how sleeping felt like, he doesn’t remember how it feels when your body just shuts down and you fall asleep, he doesn’t remember how to yawn, he doesn’t remember how it feels when you close your eyes once and at the next moment it’s morning and you felt rested.

The boy’s didn’t know it was this bad until one day he broke down.

He was… he was so tired, too tired, and he didn’t know what happened to him. A few minutes ago he was editing, headphones over his head, and at the next moment he was crying, holding his head on his hands, and feeling as if he couldn’t breathe. He was muttering- well, he didn’t know if he was yelling or talking or anything like that, words were only coming out of his mouth and he didn’t know what was happening around him.

He felt Geoff’s hands on his head, caressing his hair softly, begging him to breathe, to not enter in panic- oh. Ryan was having a panic attack, out of nowhere, and he felt himself shaking because he had never felt like this. “Ryan. Ryan,” Jack was calling him, also on his side next to Geoff. Both of them were trying to calm him down. “Everything is okay, love, everything is fine.”  

And then, there he was, sitting on the Achievement Hunter’s couch (his old desk), with Jack on his side, Ryan’s head resting on his boyfriend’s shoulder, eyes closed. “Are you feeling better?” Geoff asked, sitting on Gavin’s chair. Ryan felt a hand resting on his thigh, maybe it was Michael.

 Ryan nodded, clearing his throat. “Yeah,” he mumbled out. Jack’s hand was caressing his hair and it felt shooting, Ryan felt as if it was the perfect place to fall asleep. “I’m fine,” he said, finally opening his eyes. He looked around the room, seeing Gavin and Ray sitting on the floor in front of them and Michael sitting next to him, a small smile on his face.

“Hey,” Geoff smiled at him, and through Ryan shot the necessity of holding Michael’s hand, hard and tight, as if it was a life line. “You haven’t slept all of these weeks, right?” and Ryan felt so frustrated at the question, and he just nodded his head, hiding his face on Jack’s neck, ashamed. “What about you go to see a doctor?”

Everyone thought Ryan was going to hesitate about it, or that he was going to oppose the idea, but he just nodded frantically at the question. “Okay, I’ll call and make an appointment.” Michael said and Ryan nodded once again. If Ryan didn’t oppose the idea, something was very wrong with him and the boys only started to notice that now.

Michael and Geoff shared a look, as Gavin, Ray and Jack did the same.

How they have been that blind?

+

Ryan lived on a small apartment by himself, but since that day, he always had one of the boys around. He didn’t really care, he loved their company but each one of them insisted on staying all night with him, to Ryan’s disgust. They didn’t need to do that and it didn’t matter how many times he told them that, they shrugged it off.

Jack and him sat on the living room, their respective laptops on their laps, legs tangled with each other on the most comfortable way; Michael and him played indie games together, or watched cheesy series together; Ray and him played games and sometimes he would help him with co-op achievements, or just lied on the bed, talking softly at each other; Geoff could vary in certain ways, sometimes he would fuck him senseless, moans and whimpers echoing through the room, or sometimes they would just sit down on the couch, talking about old videogames and just stupid stuff; Gavin would talk to him until the sun started illuminating the bedroom and he would always fall asleep when Ryan was cooking breakfast for them.

He thanked the universe for giving them.

He was fucking thankful.

+

Michael was passing through the living room at Geoff’s house, walking in front of the couch where Jack and the other two lads were sitting. Ryan and Geoff left to the appointment at four and it was already six and they haven’t come back and-

“Michael, can you please stop?” Jack asked him, getting the man’s attention. “Come here,” he patted the couch softly. Michael sighed and sat down, his hand holding Jack’s, and neither of them dared to talk. Gavin and Ray were mumbling softly at each other, phone on their hands, trying to distract themselves.

Michael started bouncing his foot and when Jack was going to ask him to stop, the front door opened and all of them turned around, Gavin jolted and Michael was already up.

Ryan and Geoff entered holding hands, the Georgian man looking down, as if he didn’t know what was happing around him. Geoff made a gesture at Michael to sit down (or maybe it was for all of them to calm down), and both men sat down, hands still holding.

“What it is, then?” Ray asked quietly, looking at them.

Geoff was about to answer but Ryan was unexpectedly quicker. “FFI. Familial Fatal Insomnia,” he muttered. Gavin gasped when he heard the word _fatal_ : he didn’t want to lose Ryan and he shook his head. “It’s genetic, degenerative, and it has no cure, or medicaments that could help me live with it.”

“It cannot be-”

“It’s truth,” Ryan answered, tiredly looking at them. “It jumped two generations of my family, and- fuck.” He looked away from them and tried to hold a sob, but it escaped faintly from his lips. Ray almost ran to hug Ryan, kneeling on the couch, hugging him close and shushing him. “I don’t want to leave you.”

With those words, they world fell, because they had never seen Ryan Haywood so vulnerable before, so small and so hurt.  Gavin jumped from the couch to hug Ryan, not caring if he was on an uncomfortable position. Michael was looking at the scene in front of him and he tried not to cry: they were happy, they were normal and now one of them was leaving slowly and painfully.

He noticed Jack holding Geoff’s hand, his eyes closed and head resting on Geoff’s shoulder, probably trying to hold his tears too.

That was the first time, when all of them, were unable to fall asleep and maybe, just maybe, they understood how Ryan felt.

+

The sickness was becoming worse.

It started with a very high fever that struck Ryan one morning, making him confused on where he was, and what was happening around him (“ _Ryan, you’re in Jack’s house, don’t worry, you’ll be fine.”_ Ray repeated in concern, hand caressing his boyfriend’s sweaty hair.) That was the only day the Achievement Hunter’s office was alone on a Wednesday, and everyone in the company disliked the silence.

The fever stayed two days until it finally broke one night. The worse thing was that they couldn’t tell him “ _why don’t you take a nap? You’ll feel better when you wake up_ ,” because, he just couldn’t take a nap and, if he could, none of this would be happening.

A few days later, they started noticing Ryan’s bad memory. He sometimes didn’t remember what happened a few minutes ago, or a few years ago. He would laugh and shrug, telling them that it was fine; maybe he needed to eat more fish. Michael would always return the smile but inside, it hurt to each one of them.

(It hurt the most when Ryan couldn’t remember it was their anniversary.)

They noticed how Ryan tried to make seem that everything was fine, smiling and laughing with them, enjoying every moment he could but they noticed that he also had bad moments. The panic attacks were more usual than before, coming with hallucinations and him screaming in the middle of the night, holding the arm of the closest person.

Geoff was lying awake on the bed, feeling Ryan’s warm pressed against his back, hands around his hips. “You can’t sleep,” he heard his boyfriend ask, tenderly as he could. Geoff turned around and smiled at him.

“No,” he answered. Geoff observed Ryan’s blue eyes, decorated with dark circles under them, the tired expression and the smile hiding each one of those features. “I love you, you know that?” And that was Geoff turn to hold a sob back, seeing one of the men he loved suffering, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it.

Ryan nodded in silence, holding Geoff close and wrapping his arms on the man’s body, hearing the muffled sobs. “I love you too, Geoff,” he said, kissing his boyfriend’s forehead. “It will be okay.”

“No! It’s not going to be okay!” Geoff refuted, voice rising but still broken. “You’ll be gone and we couldn’t do anything to help you!”

“You love me,” and that shook Geoff’s world. Those simple words. “You love me, you here with me through this and that’s enough. I don’t know what I did to deserve all of you, Geoff, but I’m thankful.”

Geoff doesn’t remember when he stopped crying and fell asleep.

+

It wasn’t a surprise when Ryan stopped working at Rooster Teeth.

They expect it, since the diagnostic.

Since a few months ago, his muscles started twitching without him wanting to. He was holding something on his hand on a moment and at the other, it was on the floor. The first time it happened it was his XBOX controller, while he was trying something on GTA.

All of them turned around to see what happened and found Ryan sitting on his chair, looking at the controller on the floor, as if it had something wrong. “You silly sausage,” Gavin lifted it from the floor and gave it to him, smiling. Ryan smiled back and continued doing whatever he was doing before.

Those twitched worsened to the point he couldn’t have anything on his hands, because it would fall to the floor. Ray’s heart broke every time he saw the frustrated expression in his boyfriend’s face, and just as the first day, he would look at it, biting his lip, probably asking himself _why_.

One day, he told them that he couldn’t do it anymore. His editing was awful, just as his memory and his health and his muscles and everything- he was awful. “Shut the fuck up,” Michael told him, sitting in front of him on the kitchen table. Everyone was in silence, looking wide eyes at the lad. Geoff was about to kick the boy’s chair when he started talking: “You aren’t awful. You’re fucking amazing and strong, so shut the fuck up and eat your breakfast.”

Even when it was a very rude way to say _I love you_ , Ryan smiled at it.

He came to stage five everyday with them, but he didn’t do anymore work. He didn’t record more videos with them, he didn’t edit and he didn’t participate on VS or the Patch, and neither on GO!

He sometimes sat with the Thugs, he sometimes would forget where he was and they could heard the “ _oh_ ” he left when he remembered, or he would sit down on the couch, laptop on his lap, typing lazily on it, his fingers clumsier than ever. It was a normal thing, when they weren’t recording, to hear Ryan’s soft typing. Michael would sometimes catch Gavin biting his lip, exasperated because he couldn’t do anything.

They noticed how thin he was, all the weight he had lost. He looked haggard, and tired, and thin, and he was becoming slow, and he had twitches on his hands, and hallucinations, and panic attacks, and he had strange fears at things that you don’t normally fear, and maybe he had problems talking, but at their eyes, he was still Ryan, and they didn’t care how he looked, they would still love him until death.

Till death do them apart.

+

Gavin, a few days ago, remembered something.

He remembered when Ryan told them that “ _maybe in a few years, I would like to see myself married with all of you, idiots_ ,” and Gavin remembered how bright and lovely the smiles were, how kisses and touches were shared and how the words that were exchanged were full of love and happiness. He doesn’t tend to remember things with this precision, but there’s always an exception to the case.

Then, an idea came to his head.

He was fully afraid of committing with someone, but he believes he left that fear a long time ago when he started dating these five wonderful people.

He talked with Jack about the idea and he remembers the smile he received back, the kisses on his face, and the tender “ _you’re brilliant, Gavin._ ”

They brought the rings, six rings, and he shared the idea with his other boyfriends but Ryan. Gavin didn’t remember how bright and beautiful was Geoff’s smile until he smiled at him, and did the same thing that Jack did, kissing all over his face.

“You’re a fucking romantic, aren’t you?” Michael smiled, observing the ring on their fingers, and it felt so right, as if was meant to be. “We should ask him tomorrow morning, at breakfast.” They agreed smiles on their faces. “He’s going to be-”

“What are you doing?” Ryan asked, entering slowly to the office. He frowned at them, noticing Jack hiding something behind his back and Gavin suddenly squeaking. 

“Nothing,” Ray smiled, leaning back on his chair. Ryan frowned at them once again but shrugged it off, sitting on the couch, which has become, once again, his desk.

The day went without problem, the afternoon was easy and quiet, and the ride home was full with talking and occasionally, some laughs.

They usually go separated ways, since they didn’t live all together, but today, it didn’t matter. Jack’s house was small, and with six men on it, it looked a lot smaller than it was.

They others were already inside, when Michael caught Ryan still outside, as if he was waiting for something. “What are you doing, Ryan?” Michael asked, seeing Ryan standing up next to Geoff’s car. He frowned at Michael and looked at the car, before looking back at his boyfriend.

“I’m going home? It’s Geoff’s turn to stay with me,” and Michael sighed.

“We are staying here tonight, don’t you remember?” and Ryan looked around and muttered the same “ _oh_ ” when he remembers something.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized, with a small smile on his face, walking towards Michael. Michael’s heart broke because he sounded so tired, and looked so ashamed.

“Come here.” Michael pulled Ryan into a hug, hiding his face on the man’s neck, kissing it gently. “It’s not your fault.” He moved away and smiled at Ryan, his hands caressing through the man’s hair.

“I’m sorry,” he slurred again, their foreheads pressing against each other.

“Don’t be, Ryan.” Michael took his boyfriend’s cheeks and smiled at him. “We love you, so don’t be silly. Let’s go inside, okay?” and Ryan nodded, and with his hand holding Michael’s, they entered the house.

They ate all together on the kitchen table, sharing smiles and touches and, sometimes, Gavin would squeak, Michael’s laugh would ring through the room, sometimes Geoff’s laugh would do the same. Jack and Ray would laugh with them, not so soundly but seeing them smile was enough.

Ryan couldn’t take out the smile that was adorning his face.

He loved them so much, he had no words to describe how he was feeling.

“It’s my turn tonight, isn’t?” Geoff smiled at Ryan, who was sitting on the living room couch. Ryan nodded and felt a blanket wrapping around him, Geoff’s warm smile over his shoulder. He observed Geoff: walking down the hall turning the lights off, closing the main bedroom’s door while saying _good night_ to everyone for the fourth time, and finally, sitting down next to Ryan with a book in hand.

It was a few minutes in silence when Ryan muttered “I don’t want to stay here tonight.”

Geoff looked up and frowned at him. “What do you mean?”

“I want to lie with you on the bed tonight. Well, with all of you.” Geoff was looking at him in silence, as if he suddenly grew a second head, and Ryan suddenly stopped talking, his words slurred and slow. “Forget it, it’s-”

“Are you sure? It’s been a while since we slept all together.” It was truth, because since the diagnostic, Ryan didn’t dare to lie on a bed trying to fall asleep. “We can do it if you want.”

Ryan nodded, already getting up. Geoff took his hand and walked back to the main room, knocking the door before entering. When he opened the door, they were met by the other man’s surprised looks. “What’s wrong?”

Geoff looked at Ryan. “I want to be with you tonight,” he tried his best to speak as normal as possible, in which he failed terribly, but he was met by Ray’s and Gavin’s hands pulling him at the bed.

“Sure thing, Ry-bread,” and before they knew it, they were lying on the bed, curling and cuddling against each other, and Ryan forgot how amazing it felt.

Ryan muttered an “I love you,” which was received with warm kisses and smiles. A few minutes later, he could hear Jack’s and Michael’s faint snores and everyone else’s breathing, and he was there once again, looking at the ceiling.

For some reason, tonight his eyes felt heavy and they were trying to close. For the first time in what it felt like years, Ryan was falling asleep.

He smiled to himself and fell into Morpheus’ arms.

Strangely enough, Gavin was the first one to wake up the next morning.

He was lying on the edge of the bed, Michael’s arm wrapped strongly around him so he won’t fall. He got up, walked to the bathroom, relieved himself and walked back to be met with a very strange feeling.

He looked around the room and he noticed it: Ryan’s eyes were closed, chest moving with his breathing, as if he was sleeping. He knew this wasn’t supposed to happen, he wasn’t supposed to be sleeping, and for the first time, Gavin knew that sleeping wasn’t something god.

“Ryan?” He called him, not receiving an answer. “Geoff, Geoff, something’s wrong with Ryan,” and it didn’t matter that Gavin was calling Geoff; it was his voice full of panic and fear that made everyone in the room woke up.

In a moment, Michael and Ray were standing up away from the bed, Gavin on their arms. Jack and Geoff were kneeling next to Ryan, still on the bed. “Ryan,” they tried to shake him up, they tried calling him, everything they could think of, and when Jack muttered “Geoff, call an ambulance”, they knew something was very, very wrong.

Michael and Ray were sitting on the living room, not knowing what to think, or what to feel, or just, what to do. Geoff was walking around the room, phone in one hand, knuckles to the mouth.

“Gavin, stop- Gavin,” they heard Jack’s voice from the bedroom. When Geoff walked to the bedroom, he found Gavin crying on Ryan’s chest with Jack’s arms pulling him away.

Geoff’s heart broke, seeing the scene in front of him. “Come here, buddy,” he pulled him away, and suddenly, Gavin was crying against his chest, loudly and uncontrollably. Geoff tried his best not to cry, seeing one of his boyfriends in, what it seemed like, a comatose state.

What a great way to wake up.

+

He was in a coma.

It was unlikely for him to wake up.

It was the sickness final stage.

He was going to die soon.

Jack was sitting on Ryan’s room in the hospital, watching the rise and fall of his boyfriend’s chest. He knew this was going to end like this, he searched everything he could about this sickness and he knew it: it was fatal and there wasn’t a way to stop it.

Gavin was sleeping on his lap, Jack’s hand caressing his boyfriend’s hair, feeling his slow respiration on his neck (it was as slow as Ryan’s breathing.) His eyes wandered to Geoff, who was sitting next to the bed, holding hands with Ryan’s. He fell asleep a few hours ago, and neither Michael nor Jack had the heart to wake him and move him to the couch. Ray was sleeping on the couch, head resting on Michael’s bag, with some of their clothes.

“How are you?” Michael asked softly, leaning on the room’s door. Jack shrugged and Michael nodded, knowing that everyone felt like that. “It wasn’t a surprise.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“I’m going to miss him,” he mumbled and when Jack turned his head, he saw Michael looking away and wiping away his tears. After all that had happened, this was the first time that Jack saw Michael cry.

Jack took his hand away from Gavin’s hair and held it for Michael, who came and held it strongly, sniffing softly. “We’ll be fine, Michael.”

Michael nodded softly, and they stayed in silence for a while.

It wasn’t strange that the positions changed every so often: Jack left the chair when Gavin woke up, and he moved to the couch, Michael following him and sleeping with his head on Jack’s lap. Gavin took the chair next to the bed, while Geoff and Ray got something to eat.

Gavin played with Ryan’s fingers, trying to be careful with the cables all around him. He watched Ryan’s breathe fog up his breathing mask, and Gavin sighed softly. He looked around the room, as if he was a little kid that didn’t want to be caught doing something bad.

“This was for you,” Gavin whispered quietly at Ryan, taking the ring out of his pocket and putting it on his boyfriend’s finger. He put his on his own ring and smiled, leaving the other four rings on the table at his side. Gavin took a deep breath and stayed there, his hands wrapped around Ryan’s, kissing them softly. “We love you, Ry-bread.”

In a few hours, no words were exchanged between them, but the rings disappeared quickly from the table. It felt right; it felt this was supposed to be.

It wasn’t until a few days later until Ryan died.

Everyone tried his best not to cry, but when they heard the doctor’s voice saying the hour and the date, it was impossible to stop the tears from falling.

He was dead.

He wasn’t going to come back.

They weren’t six anymore.

+

It wasn’t strange when they couldn’t put a foot down on the Achievement Hunter office.

But when they did, it felt strange. They still had the rings on their fingers; the sixth one being wore by Geoff in a chain around his neck. Ryan’s death hurt them, and they couldn’t deny that, but they felt Ryan wouldn’t want them to stop living their lives just because of him.

Ray looked at the couch, waiting for a new game to load up and install the day-one update. He noticed Ryan’s laptop lying on the couch, and curiosity ran through him, because Ryan was always typing on it, slowly, but typing, and neither of the boys knew what he was doing.

“What are you doing?” Michael asked, seeing Ray sitting down on the couch with the laptop on his lap. “Ray?”

“Ryan was writing all the time but, do you know what he was writing?” Ray asked and Michael shook his head, and not even a few minutes later, he was sitting next to his boyfriend.

When Geoff and Jack returned from a meeting with Burnie and Matt, they opened the door of their office to be welcomed by his three boyfriends crying in front of a computer screen. Jack was about to ask what was wrong, but he noticed that it was Ryan’s computer.

Ray sobbed loudly, looking at his other two boyfriends. “Geoff, Jack,” he cried, getting up and throwing himself at the gent’s arms. Then he started rambling about what Ryan had wrote for them: how he was thankful for having them, how he was going to miss all the laughs, the smiles, the touches, everything, how he was going to miss them; how sorry he was for being a bother all this time because, maybe he couldn’t talk as well as before, but he could still write; how sorry he was if his death hurt most than supposed, how he wanted them to move on, to not stop being the fucking idiots he loved the most.

Jack laughed loudly at the part where Ryan wrote “try to sleep for me all that I couldn :)" because he was sometimes so silly it was ridiculous. It was the first time in a few weeks when all of them were smiling; ignoring the few tears they dropped. Geoff played with the ring on the chain, smiling to himself.

Since everything happened, Jack didn’t dare to sleep in his house anymore, but maybe, after all the crossed feelings they had that morning, it was time to move on, just as Ryan asked them.

Jack opened the door and entered, looking around as if they didn’t know where this place was, because it felt as if something was missing. Gavin, Geoff and Ray entered behind Jack, seeing at the end of the hall the main bedroom’s door open, the bed unmade.

“Michael? Are you going to come in?” Gavin asked, noticing one of his boyfriends outside, looking where Geoff’s car was parked. “What are you looking?”

“Nothing,” he shook his head and smiled at the brit. “Let’s go inside.” Michael noticed Geoff folding a blanket, and Jack making the bed with Ray’s help.

For the first time in a while, having dinner wasn’t a torturous moment in the day. For the first time, they were laughing and sharing memories, filled with smiles and sometimes, goosebumps would appear. It felt normal once again, and Jack thought that it was a good sign.

It was when night fell that neither of them wanted to go sleep.

Gavin stopped in front of the bed, remembering. “Gavin,” Jack held him close, “let’s go to sleep, okay?” and Gavin was about to refute but he felt so comfortable on Jack’s arms that he couldn’t say no. Ray and Jack cuddled closer with him, arms wrapped around him.

“Aren’t you coming?” Michael’s voice snapped Geoff out of his thinking, how was sitting on the living room by himself, book in hand. “You need to sleep.”

“I can’t-”

“Yes you can, other thing is that you don’t want to.” Geoff believes that was the first time Michael had raised his voice at him (and maybe it’s because he hates that Geoff said that he can’t, when they knew that the only person who couldn’t physically sleep was Ryan.) “Come to bed with us, Geoff, please.”

Geoff nodded and took Michael’s hand, and both of them were received with smiles and kisses, warm arms wrapping around their bodies just as the legs were tangled around each others. Soon enough, the lights were off and the room was filled with Jack’s and Michael’s faint snores and the Lads’ breathings.   

Geoff lied there, looking at the ceiling.

Maybe that’s how Ryan felt like all those months, being tired but unable to sleep, or to close his eyes for a few minutes. Geoff hummed softly, and for the first time since Ryan died, Geoff was falling asleep.

He smiled to himself and fell into Morpheus’ arms, with the thought that maybe, he could see Ryan on his dreams, because, what an irony, right?

 

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while since I posted something because I was busy with school and next week it's my thesis defence, and dammit, this is a great way to start my week.
> 
> Thanks for reading. ♥
> 
> Find me in [Tumblr.](http://somespontaneouswriting.tumblr.com/)


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